Happy Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day is near and I have been challenged by a certain WHA employee, who shall remain nameless (although I can tell you that her initials are Cathy and Baranger) to share some insight into what it’s like to be married to someone who has also chosen a career in architecture.  My wife of 23 years, Angel, is a Principal at HMC Architects.

WAIT! Men, you’re going to thank me later . . . our Super Bowl was LAST Sunday, hers is THIS Sunday.  Finish reading this paragraph then go get a thoughtful, loving gift for your significant other and if you haven’t made dinner reservations yet, well, may God have pity on your soul.  Your only hope now is to cook dinner yourself, and it better be good–remember to get that chicken up to 165-degrees.

OK, back to it…

According to Match.com the most popular way to meet your future spouse is “at school or work” followed by “on-line dating sites” and “at bars or clubs.” I guess my wife and I took the most popular route and met at our first architecture firm, which shall remain nameless–although I can tell you that their initials are A and O.  Our WHA Santa Ana office alone has at least 6 employees married to the architecturally inclined. It would seem that sharing creative desires and a willingness to work long hours can be bonding forces.

Our courtship started on a summer Saturday in 1988 when we were both in the office working towards separate deadlines. I learned that day that she was a high school tennis player so I suggested we get our racquets and knock it around a little (. . . not a euphemism, focus people).  She suggested we meet at Villa Park High School, where she would enjoy a home court advantage from which I couldn’t overcome.  Dinner followed—and the rest is our history.

I went to Cal Poly Pomona; she attended SCI-ARC (Southern California Institute of Architecture.) Eventually we moved into a studio apartment in Los Angeles halfway between Pomona and Santa Monica ensuring that each of us had a horrible drive every day. Fortunately, we didn’t go to the same school.  At this point you may notice a theme emerging; a double dose of daily and deliberate distance. I believe the most important reason we have lasted this long is that we stopped working at the same firm 26 years ago.  Moreover, I ventured into private sector residential and she took her considerable talents into the public sector as a designer of K-12 schools.  This may not seem like a huge “marriage saving” arrangement but let me say this, we have survived two recessions because privately funded projects can stop immediately but schools are funded by bond measures that can carry on for a few years in a declining economy.  The opposite occurs during recovery. If we both worked on the same building types . . . ew . . . I can’t even finish that sentence.

But let’s have no illusions. Yes, we have taken measured steps that help us co-exist but a marriage of dual-architects (sometimes dueling-architects) can be difficult.  Currently we are renovating our house.  I feel I should make all the decisions.  Is this wrong?  I told her if we ever buy a school then SHE can make all the decisions.  I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable here.  So, we decided to treat the renovation responsibilities like a Fantasy Football draft.  We took turns picking the rooms in which we want to have the final say.  I thought it was a great idea . . . at first.  She ended up with the kitchen, family room and dining room; somehow I ended up with the garage, coat closet and Tom Brady.

Ultimately, every marriage, whether it’s year 5 or 50, whether your interests are similar or different, takes work to make it work.  The best relationship advice I’ve heard came from Larry David, the creator of Seinfeld.  He said, simply, “be each other’s cheerleader.”

One final thought regarding Valentine’s Day dinner reservations . . . here’s how we avoided that problem forever. Our very first Valentine’s dinner was fast food. I will not divulge the name of the restaurant, but I can tell you that the Macs are Big and the arches are golden. A bottle of Sutter Home White Zinfandel somehow hitched a ride in my backpack and a tradition was born.  Over the years the wines have improved but we still order “two #1’s please,” it’s just kind of our thing.  It reminds us of our shared journey to earn our places in this wonderfully challenging, noble and beautiful profession that often tests our resolve yet affords us the joy of crafting the framework for people’s lives, each and every day.

Happy Valentine’s Day!